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 THE FINAL WORD ON NUTRITION
1. Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. Germans drink beer and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
6. The French eat foie-gras, full fat cheese and drink red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
 *********************************************************************  The Love Story of Ralph and Edna.
Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there. Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out.
When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable. When she went to tell Edna the news she said, 'Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness. The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him. I am sorry, but he's dead.'
 John Receives A Parrot As A Gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.
John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, Playing soft music and anything else he could think of to 'clean up' the bird's vocabulary. Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hand, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arms and said, 'I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behaviour.
John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made Such a dramatic change in his behaviour, the bird then asked John, What did the Chicken in the freezer do?
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 40 years of marriage...
A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband
The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish.
So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful should remember fairies are female.....
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How to Tell the Sex of a Fly
.
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her
Husband stalking around with a fly swatter
"What are you doing?" She asked.
"Hunting Flies" He responded.
"Oh. ! Killing any?" She asked.
"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"
"3 were on a beer can, and 2 were on the phone. 
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The Bed By The Window
 A visitor to a mental institution asked the doctor how he knew when patients are ready to be sent home.
The doctor answered, "We fill up a bath with water and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, a teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bath.
The visitor said, "Oh I see, a normal person would choose the bucket because it's biggest."
The doctor said, "No a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like the bed near the window?"
*********************************************************************
Police apprehended two children. The first was eating batteries and the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let off the other.
Did you hear about the cement lorry that collided with a police van? Five hardened criminals escaped.
The Judge said to the defendant, "I thought I told you I never wanted to see you in here again."Your Honor," the criminal replied, "that's what I tried to tell the police, but they wouldn't listen.
A police car pulled over a farmer and said: "Sir, do you realize your wife fell out of the car several miles back?"
The farmer replied: "Thank Goodnes, I thought I had gone deaf!"
*********************************************************************
 A Typical Blonde Joke
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who also just happened to be a blonde.The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She rummaged through her bag and was getting more and more agitated.'What does it look like?' she finally asked.The policewoman replied, 'It's square and it has your picture on it.' The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.'Here it is,' she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,
'Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.'
*********************************************************************
 CAR TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her car into a gas station.
She tells the Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes, it is
idling smoothly. He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?" *********************************************************************
 SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act
together.... Just yesterday you take away my licence
and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
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Stupid Jokes
 Did you hear about the cowardly book? It had no spine.
What does a King do when he burps? He issues a Royal Pardon.
Did you hear about the restaurant on the Moon? It had great food but no atmosphere.
How do you kill a circus? Go for the juggler.
How did the hairdresser win the race? He knew a short cut.
How do you know when the teddy bear's picnic is finished? Because they're all stuffed.
What do deaf fish wear? Herring-aids.
What is the most military day of the year? March 4th
What did one hat say to another hat? "You wait here and I'll go on a head."
Have you heard the story about a broken pencil. It ad no point.
What did the big telephone say to the small telephone? "You're too young to be engaged."
Why did the tree fail it's exams? It was stumped.
Two television sets got married. The reception was fantastic.
What would happen if you swallowed yeast and polish? You'd rise and shine
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Funny Stories 
